A Gentleman's Self Defence: How to deal with a Spode.

The bane of my life that is work has eaten away all that is in me which builds motivation. So instead of attempting that which I fail to stand, I shall explain to you exactly how to defend yourself against an aggressor (from this point on referred to as a "Roderick", "Spode" or a combination of the two, thus forming "Roderick Spode"). This is someone who, for reasons only mother nature can elaborate on, only evolved as far as homo erectus, and unfortunately sapien sapiens such as ourselves must deal with these cretins. Here's how:

Step one: Do nothing. That is all that is required for a Spode to take a disliking to you. You might be admiring a member of the opposite sex, or maybe just breathing in a way that the Spode finds distasteful. Either way, this is all that you need to start unpleasantries with a Roderick.

Step Two: So you have done everything that is in your right to do, and a Spode has come along and taken exception to your existence. He, or indeed she, may be breathing harshly throught their flaring nostrils, and is threating you with fisticuffs...or whatever method of barbarism that may occur to them at the time. All you have to do is remain calm. This is the best thing for you to do, no react to the Roderick's threats. While it is the best option for you, it will serve only to aggravate the Spode more. Oh well, it did not take much to get them to dislike you anyway.

Step Three: Unleash the "Eulalie". "What is this "Eula-thingy then, Bertie you insufferable prune?" I hear you asking. And I shall not disappoint you with a lack of further explanation, my dear chap!

A Eulalie is simply a phrase that will confound the obviously less intelligent aggressor. Do not be mistaken enough to use any complicated vocabulary, as this will only lower your favour in their eyes. A simple statement that simply disrupts the simpleton's simple mind is sufficient. I shall give an example of what the conversation could entail:

Spode: "Oi! [the universally recognised admission of stupidity] What are you looking at?!"

Gentleman/Lady: "Isn't it funny how railing are always grey. Why do they paint them that colour?" [A rather dashing Eulalie, if I do say so myself]

Spode: "Wha...?" [Followed undoubtedly by a look of utter perplexion (is that a word, Jeeves?)]

Step Four: An authoritative statement is now required to put the blighter in his place. A simple "Leave me alone" or "Do go away", would be sufficient.

And there it is, four simple steps to evading tussles with brutish creatures. A word of warning, however, ensure that you do not use profane language...this only lowers you to their level, and it is not in a well kept state at all; quite grotty indeed. Do please ensure that you have your running shoes on just in case they see the red of your waistcoat and get over-excited.

I will not take responsibility for any occasion that this method fails. It may be the case that you are dealing with a "Lord Bassett", in which case, if I knew the way of dealing with such a tyrant, I would not be in the sticky situation I often find myself in.

Good hunting my dear readers!